31 Oct 2018

BY: Anna Keyter

Couple Counselling / Couples Counselling / Marriage Counselling / Online Skype Counselling / Relationship Counselling / Video Counselling

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Relationship Counselling Auckland using Video Calling

Photo by J Carter.

Relationship Counselling Auckland using Video Calling:

This article, Relationship Counselling Auckland using Video Calling builds on an essay that discusses attachment theory within relationship counselling. Today’s article Relationship Counselling Auckland using Video Calling focuses on the separation-individuation theory (when children learn to separate from parents emotionally) and considers how the family system can cause family members to attain/not-attain personal authority and how it affects relationships.

Relationship counselling involves an exploration of attachment styles and looks at how people develop relationship communication patterns from childhood into adulthood. For example, have you ever wondered why you and your siblings remember events differently?

People experience circumstances within their contexts which influence how they make sense of themselves and their worlds.  The primary consideration in the separation-individuation process is the smooth transition from one stage to the next. Conversely, disruptions or restrictions during the transition process can have life-long effects in the way we respond to our worlds.

The mother is involved in her child’s changes from dependence, individuation to differentiation (discussed below).  At first the child is entirely dependent on the mother, but eventually, he/she struggles for control to achieve autonomy.  At times, parents are uncomfortable with the child finding his/her individuality, and a power struggle may ensue.   Early experiences affect the way people make sense of themselves over a lifetime and influence how they react in relationships.

Dependence

As discussed in Relationship counselling using Skype, attachment styles develop within the first years (zero to three years) when mother and baby are undifferentiated. In other words, the baby can’t discriminate between I / Not-I and believes mother/baby are one (Mahler, 1986). Furthermore, the mother experiences the baby as an extension of herself. Keep in mind, attachment theory is not developmental and is understood as universal individual experiences that form the basis of family dynamics (Blom & Bergman, 2013).

Individuation

From three years onwards, children start developing their own identities.  Failure to individuate means a person cannot create a sense of self and continues to experience the self in the context of the family.  Individuating too early can lead to coping styles where a person relies on self too much, but prolonged dependence can lead to overdependence in adult life.

A teenager generally individuates around the age of 16 by moving more towards their social circles and developing their own identities outside their family units.  At this stage, the young person is still very much part of the family.  Successful individuation is experienced when parents encourage teenagers to follow dreams, encourage open debate and let go (in a healthy way) of their children at the appropriate time.

Differentiation

Successful differentiation means that the young adult (generally by 35) is fully aware of I / Not-I and can function successfully independent of the parent or marriage partner.  However, I have found in therapy that some couples become fused and start viewing the other as an extension of themselves. This can place tremendous pressure on the relationship.  Once the partners accept that they can function independently within a unit, then the relationship can improve.

Can Relationship Counselling using Video Calling be effectively used with attachment problems?

Absolutely, not only can it be effective, but also convenient when avoiding traffic.  However, not all people are comfortable with the electronic medium and prefer face-to-face counselling.

Below please find the references for the article Relationship Counselling Auckland using Video Calling

Inga Blom and Anni Bergman: Observing Development: A Comparative View of Attachment Theory and Separation–Individuation Theory

Mahler, M. S. (1986b). On the first three subphases of the separation-individuation process. In P. Buckley (Ed.), Essential papers on object relations (pp. 222–232). New York: New York University Press.

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